Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Actual proof there is no God

And in honor of that visual evidence in the lack of a higher being lets make some movies up using popular actors and combining overused themes to come up with Hollywood gold.  Or maybe they are real? who knows?

Gwenyth Paltrow as Jenna Stalich a divorced overbearing stage mom living vicariously through her daughter who is a star ballet dancer. Stalich robs her daughter of a normal childhood while seemingly only finding joy in her daughters success within the world of ballet...until a dance accident leaves her daughter paralyzed from the waist down.  In the aftermath of the accident Stalich is broken with both loss of her daughters future as well as the guilt of putting so much pressure on her.  But in her daughter's surprising attitude and the new relationship she forms with her daughter's doctor played by Aaron Eckart she re-learns what being a mother and wife is all about.  Title: Stage Left

Jesus that made me throw up in my mouth a little

Ryan Gosling as Jed Cooker, a border control officer in El Paso Texas.  He lives the cliche life of a south Texas white male of too much booze and and right wing propaganda.  One day on patrol Cooker runs into a local vigilante anti immigration group detaining and beating a group Mexicans crossing the border.  From a distance he witnesses the immigrants start be executed, he takes off to stop it and is able to cause distraction enough that a few can scatter.   In the chaos he saves a young women who about to be shot.  Immediately taken with the women he brings her back to his trailer where he lets her stay for the time-being while the air clears.  Within days he has fallen for the girl only to learn she was the wife an abusive small time border drug runner who has just found out she is still alive and is looking for her.  In an area where information is easy to come by with a few dollars Gosling and the girl are on the run for their lives.  The city of El Paso serves at the third lead in the grimy story about life, death and love on the US/Mexico Border.  Title:  Border Town.

This could actually be awesome of it was shot like Traffic or Man on Fire

Jim Carrey/Adam Sandler/Kevin James as Dave Westphal a fantasy football junkie who who wins a contest to be the GM of the Orlando Gators the worst team in the league for the last 20 years.  The contest and subsequent position of General Manager is more of ruse by the current president of operations in order too keep the team losing to devalue them enough to buy them himself at the end of season from the aging owner.  Surprising everyone Westphal is able to make the right moves and work with the coach to start to put together a team that has some promise.  Christian Applegate to play the aging owner's daughter (you can guess what happens there).  Ty Burrell to play the President of Operations.  Title: 4th and Goal

Before you laugh these movies off the the screen....

That is fucking real.  That is a real fucking movie

-Les Anderson

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